This may sound silly, but I’ve ummed a lot over the past month about how personal my blog posts should be, as potentially EVERYONE I know could read them (I’m tempted to say here ‘they won’t’, but I’m not going too).
The past month is because my step dad died on 23rd January, and I’ve been wondering how and whether I should write about it. I’ve decided that I’m going to, as it all fits in with the whole notion of things being difficult, things going slowly, things not going right, which after all, if you’re disabled all that stuff happens anyway.
So when my step dad died I set myself a month before I got back into things fully again, and that month is nearly up. Trouble is, I still want to sleep more than normal, I still don’t really want to do that many things, I still don’t really want to be in ‘full swing’. And there in lies the thought:
When the hell have I EVER been in full swing?
One of the movies on my list still to watch (I have many on that list) is ‘Girl Interrupted’. (I’ve also had a really strong urge to watch Six Feet Under)
Girl Interrupted is about a girl in a mental asylum in the 1960s. As I say I haven’t seen it yet, its on my computer waiting for me to be in the ‘right mood’ to watch it. But I think the title sums up what its like when we all have issues come up that affect our lives.
This past year I’ve been struggling a lot with an issue that I haven’t had to deal with very much for over 10 years, and so things have been going really slow, and you could say I’ve been very ill. This has been a HUGE interruption in what I want to do with my life and unfortunately it hasn’t gone away as quickly or easily as I’d hoped.
I’ve come to the conclusion that a lot of this is down to my own expectations, both in the ones that I have for myself (all these things that I want to do) and with what I can ‘realistically’ cope with. This one in particular has been a battle raging in my head ever since I can remember. So, if I didn’t have these expectations of myself, then I wouldn’t have to do so much, right?
Trouble is there are things that excite me, new opportunities, and things that I really want to do.
So I still have things on my list, like finishing the next draft of my feature script, arranging meetings, making a showreel for my new website, finishing courses, writing up a fundraising document… and another and another…
If you know me, you can drop me a gentle email towards the end of March asking me how I’m doing with any of this stuff. I’ll reply to it, though I’m not sure how quick I’ll be.